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One, because people who give a fuck about money are awful, and because I’ve met plenty of old, old dudes who are still doing the Somerset Maugham-y cheerful hobo routine. I like the Civil War, documentaries, and talking about whiskey as though it were a zaftig prostitute, so old guys and I get along.

The only problem I’ve had with dating outside of my age range is when the other person has been too aware of it.

And on the other hand, unless you’re going out with somebody she’s young, I don’t think it’s cause for judgment.

Being predatory is just plain gross on either side of the equation, either from young people looking to trade sex for free Hulu Plus, or old people suffering conversation with somebody who for the relative elasticity of their genitals.

From a sexual attraction standpoint, I challenge you to stand me shirtless next to Sophia Loren in Look, Steely Dan probably couldn’t talk at all to "Hey Nineteen" because they admittedly had "nothing in common." Not because she was too young to name an Aretha Franklin song (which, like, come ON, Steely Dan); the idea that people are what pop culture references they know reduces falling in love to trading trivia. A lot of women have told me they won’t date younger men because of maturity issues, and that’s probably where the idea of a prohibitive "age gap" comes into play for a lot of people.

I learned this from experience, but also from Ludacris.

But if you’re not into someone because of the arbitrary time in which their parents created them—well, more tasty imperfect flesh for the rest of us.

Admittedly, I prefer older guys, only because they tend to be fully fused, like a human skull.

" except for aging pageant queens and John Mellencamp. I know this because I once worked with a 42-year-old man who was skipping his daughter’s birthday because "she’ll have one every year, but you never know when they’re going to shut down Burning Man for good."True, another factor is judgment from other people, who may see a 44-year-old going to dinner with a 25-year-old and make judgments about which one of them is drowning in student loan debt.

If only I could tell them how many broke, destitute middle-aged guys I’ve slept with, and challenge their ugly stereotypes.

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